Romance

I am a rom-com (romantic comedy) girl, and honestly, the cheesier the better. I love grand gestures. I love goofiness and, most of all, happy endings, but I think Hollywood kind of distorted my view of love and romance. I grew up watching Pretty Woman and Dirty Dancing. Which, in retrospect, why my parents let me watch those movies on repeat but not 90210 is beyond my comprehension.

Lately, I’ve been pondering if I just like to create stories, like the ones I see in the movies. I wonder if I’ve ever been in love in a way that truly captivates my soul. I know that I have loved, and loved deeply, pouring my heart into those relationships, but the act of being in love and having it reciprocated still remains a mystery to me.

I’ve been in two really long-term relationships. Both were approximately ten years long, and both men cheated on me. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel like the common denominator in this painful cycle. What is it about me that makes it seem so easy for these men to cheat on me? Is there something in my nature that invites betrayal, or is it merely a cruel twist of fate?

The first relationship was completely my fault. I was young and dumb, and he… well, he was pretty emotionally manipulative. Which I wasn’t naive about, but he had three small children, and even at that age I knew I didn’t want to have biological children. So I tolerated the lies, the cheating, and all the other horrible aspects of loving him. The second one (my ex-husband), in all honesty, was probably my fault too, but at least there were beautiful parts about that relationship…at least at first.

So, what now? I’m 44 and single, and most days I’m fine with it. I’m not into hookups. Meeting men isn’t easy these days; I’ve tried Facebook Dating, Match, and other apps. A friend suggested starting a hobby, but none of my interests help me meet men. I hoped to meet someone at church, but I don’t have one, and I don’t want to find a new church just for that. I’m still healing from the hurt of my last church.

Truthfully, I am thankful for my time being single because it has helped me figure out who I am at my core. In the two long-term relationships I had, I tried to conform to something THEY wanted, constantly molding myself to fit their expectations and desires. This process, while perhaps well-intentioned, often left me feeling lost and disconnected from my true self. But if I am being truly vulnerable, sometimes I wonder if, now that I have a clearer idea of who Abbey is, I question whether she is lovable.

I have some odd quirks, and maybe this shows I need more healing, but I feel a strong desire to be a wife, even though I have no clue how to date right now (which creates quite the conundrum). I really admire couples who have faced tough times and still remain together. I think my generation and those younger have lost that.

I don’t know how to finish this diatribe, which just keeps going in circles. It’s hard to express my final ideas while also appreciating the journey of thoughts that led me here.

I feel like I want two completely different things at once. I want to be independent, but I also want someone to share my life with. I want to protect the person I’ve worked so hard to become, but I also want to be vulnerable enough to fall in love again.

Maybe those things aren’t actually opposites. Maybe what I really want is to be deeply loved without having to lose myself in the process.

I don’t know if there’s another relationship—or another marriage—in my future. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the cheesy rom-com love story I’ve always imagined. But if love does find me again, I want it to be different.

I don’t want to mold myself into the woman someone else wants. I want someone to fall in love with Abbey. Quirks and all. And maybe that’s the happy ending I’ve been looking for all along.