So Many Things

I am really good at seeing the “gray area” for my friends and family, but when it comes to myself, I tend to see things in very black-and-white or “right-and-wrong” ways. This tendency to categorize my experiences so strictly often leaves little room for self-compassion, which can become quite detrimental. I have been this way for as long as I can remember…and it’s exhausting.

The inner dialogue I engage in is relentless, often filled with harsh judgments that I would never direct towards someone I care about. Even on this site, I can admit that I am a recovering perfectionist, constantly striving for an unattainable ideal that leaves me feeling unfulfilled.

It’s truly ironic, because I love to learn, but I hate to make mistakes! How does one learn without making errors? I can’t quite conceptualize it. How can I have so much mercy for everyone else and literally none for myself? I think I am tired all the time because I

perseverate on things like this. I’ve always been told that I think too much, but what if everyone else just doesn’t think enough?

I would be ashamed of myself if I didn’t mention 9/11. I’ve cried approximately ten times today as I reflect on that tragic day, remembering the fear and heartbreak that swept across the nation.

So in the grand scheme of things, I guess my rigid perfectionistic habits aren’t so important when compared to the profound loss and resilience displayed in the aftermath of that day. It puts my small frustrations into perspective, reminding me that life is fragile and unpredictable.

Still, I am trying to learn and grow. I think life is a gift, and on a day when I remember the fallen, I want to be thankful that I still have an opportunity to make a difference and to honor those who lost their lives by living fully and with purpose.

#neverforget