Protecting My Peace

Admittedly, I am very bad at protecting my own peace. However, I’ve heard that awareness is the first step. I want to do better at protecting my peace, which, honestly, is just a fancy way of saying “boundaries.”

I had an hour-long conversation with my sister (by choice) about why I stink at laying down and enforcing boundaries. The simple answer is I want to be there for other people, but I am learning that it can’t be at all costs. When I put other people’s needs before my own, ultimately I become resentful.

I think this season of being sick has taught me many things.

1. No one here on earth is coming to save me.
2. People can love me and want to protect me without having all the answers or doing all the right things.
3. I got way off track with my spiritual journey, which is ultimately my responsibility.

Let’s dive deeper. Why? Why am I so afraid of disappointing others? Is it because I’ve been so disappointed, or because I have some kind of “Savior complex” – I suspect a little bit of both. But the truth is, I can’t be everything to everyone. That only costs me pieces of me, and I am no longer willing to surrender those pieces. My desire to help others is a noble one, but I think I take on too much responsibility. I need to learn how to let other people stand on their own mistakes, without accepting personal responsibility.

So here I am, age 44, saying, “I really need to start living with boundaries.” I have to accept responsibility and say that I can’t pour from an empty cup (no matter how much I wish I could!). There is such a joy that lives inside of me when I am healthy…BUT it’s my job to stay healthy.

How do I stay healthy (besides starting to say no and believing it is a complete sentence)? I need to practice self-love. I know that I need to have alone time. We’re in fall, headed into winter, so slow mornings, making time to read and write, and candles with fuzzy socks at night all sound like good self-care things for me to do. I also need to do a little more than walk my dog for physical exercise and eat healthier. When I put this all together, it sounds like a lot of expectations, so I need gentle reminders that it’s one step at a time and that I am worth it.

I don’t expect to erase 44 years of bad habits in one day. Nor do I believe that I am going to get my boundaries right all at once, but I have to start somewhere! I need to thank my “sissy” Rachelle for her patience with me as I learn these critical skills. We spend countless hours on the phone trying to figure out the inner workings of my heart and mind, and this is where I am at presently. She helps me with my “Aha! Moments,” and it is my sincerest desire that my writing passes that forward.