Just Raw

Right now, things are rough. I’ve been off work since October 13th, and the truth is, when I don’t produce, I don’t feel worthy of anything (including compassion and love). Too much is at stake right now. I’ve been through multiple ultrasounds, CT scans, X-rays, an EMB, and a laparoscopy procedure. The last two were the doozies. My mental health is fragile enough without dealing with physical pain. Add in the fact that my yearly performance evaluation is due, and it’s the perfect storm.

The truth is, I am hanging on by a thread. I was encouraged by the movie I Can Only Imagine 2 and Tim Timmons’s story in it. What do you do when you are your own worst enemy? My dad has this saying, “Nobody is going to be mean to my daughter, including my daughter.” I don’t know how to silence my inner critic. The one that tells me no matter what I do, I am completely and utterly worthless.

I have so much love to give, but it feels impossible to give even a fraction of it to myself. I am not dumb. I know there are people out there who have struggles that far surpass mine, but I am literally stuck. The truth is, I wanted my physical pain to be something terrible. I screamed at God for two days to “just take me home.” But here I am, and my faith tells me He knows better. So I must be here for some reason, even though I can’t see it.

There’s just too much pain. I don’t even know where to start. This is not who I am. I am the girl that gets excited about the colors in the sky, and right now everything looks dark and gray. How am I supposed to spread love and light when I feel like this?

I’m pretty sure that out of all the characters in the Bible, I relate to Jonah the most. The only difference is…there’s no big fish to swallow me up and set me straight.

How did Tim Timmons have so much gratitude, and how do I have so little?

I know my writing is scattered and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. I don’t think I have the words to convey how much physical and emotional pain I am in. The irony is that if a friend needed my help right now, I wouldn’t hesitate to step up. Yet for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to ease my own pain.

Why do I feel so damaged?