Triggers

I haven’t written for a while. Truthfully, I haven’t had much to say. I am still mulling over the fact that my former pastor told me (not once, but twice) that any other pastor would have “washed their hands of me.” I am not sure why that bothers me so much, but it does.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that he told me my exit post on Facebook was “mean.” I copied and pasted that exit post in ChatGPT and asked if I was mean. It said I was critical, but not mean. I didn’t call anyone names. I didn’t make false accusations. I simply said that one of the church’s core values (transparency) shouldn’t have a caveat and that I was tired of my sins being more egregious than anyone else’s.

The transparency is factual, considering I was said to be rebellious for sharing information that was “supposed” to be kept within the body, and when the pastor said the thing about washing his hands of me, that confirmed that my sins were, in fact, more egregious than anyone else’s. By the way, part of the information I shared was public knowledge, and the other part I didn’t know was supposed to be private.

I know the “Christian thing” to do is forgive him, but it felt very intentional with him saying it twice. Also, as my pastor, he counseled me over the years, and he KNEW my vulnerable points. I don’t like people who use their power to hurt others. I guess that’s my trigger.

I understand some might think I hurt someone by sharing public information, but I believe warning another was more important. My friend should be able to ask her daughter protective questions, and not attending church doesn’t change her rights. Although I’m not a parent, I can empathize with them, and if the roles were reversed, I would feel betrayed if my friend didn’t inform me.

So where does that leave me? Honestly, I don’t want to go back to church. The idea of one body, one mind feels wrong to me. I believe in Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit, but organized religion leaves a bad taste in my mouth, especially when my old church made a habit of picking and choosing whom to protect and whom to condemn. There are good people there who still reach out, but I feel most have written me off as rebellious and lost. That’s okay; I’m learning not to care so much about others’ opinions.

The ironic thing is that my therapist challenged me on why I take the word “rebellious” so personally. I guess it’s because I try really hard to follow the rules in every aspect of my life, striving to be a model of compliance and understanding the boundaries that society sets. However, this time feels different; there’s an undeniable urge within me to break free from those constraints and embrace a sense of freedom that I’ve often overlooked.

I definitely have learned to dislike and distrust groupthink, realizing that it stifles creativity and critical thinking, and that authentic connections thrive in environments where diverse perspectives are valued. Embracing my individuality feels liberating, encouraging me to challenge societal expectations while nurturing the courage to stand alone when necessary.