Three Years Later: I Finally Understand What I Couldn’t See Then

I went through a truly heart-wrenching divorce. Many believe that because we didn’t have children, it should have been easier, but it was far more complex than just the affair he had. He moved her into the home I had lovingly chosen, even before I had time to remove my belongings. The whole situation deepened my lifelong fear of being replaceable.

I knew our marriage was over when he told me that our marriage license was “just a piece of paper” and when he screamed at me for telling him how much I paid to hire a Christian counselor to help fix our marriage.

That being said, three years later, I can finally say he did me a favor. One of the phrases he used that still resonates with me is, “I could never make you happy,” and he was right! I wholeheartedly believe that happiness is an inside job, but I had conformed to who I thought he wanted me to be. My life had become an endless cycle of watching Yankee games and the WWE, and at the time, that was enough for me because I thought he loved me.

Another thing he said that lingers is, “You’re growing; I’m going to be doing the same shit in ten years that I am doing now.” While I can’t speak to what he is doing now, as it’s not my place to judge his choices or the direction his life is taking, I do know that I’ve changed in profound ways.

I’ve experienced new challenges, embraced different perspectives, and sought personal growth in areas I wouldn’t have considered before. Each decision I’ve made has contributed to my evolution, shaping the person I am today. It’s a reminder that life is about growth and transformation, and while he may be content with stagnation, I strive for change and development.

In the end, I think my biggest regret is that I tearfully begged him to pick me, to choose me. I think the Abbey now would have punched him, or at the very least walked out with my head held high. More like a Lizzo song than a sappy teenage drama like Dawson’s Creek. It doesn’t get any worse than begging for love, in my opinion.

It’s not all his fault, though. I didn’t even know who I was. I conformed to who I thought he wanted me to be, so I never really even gave him the chance to love me. Still, that was ten years of my life, and there’s just something about hitting rock bottom that initiates change.

I went through “a phase” trying to use other men to replace the pain of his infidelity. Betrayal is a hard wound to heal. My church told me that I needed Jesus, but they were only partially right. What I needed was to discover who Jesus created me to be, and honestly, three years later, I am still learning.

I have been on exactly two first dates in the past two years. Dating in 2026 is really hard, and sometimes it gets lonely being single, especially since my love language is touch. I’ve had to learn other ways to express and receive love, but I am a million times happier now.

I’ve found solace in three really close girlfriends and quite a few others who seem to care about who I am and who I am becoming. That’s enough for me right now. I will never again become a social chameleon. I am going to weird it out, be true to myself, accept the ones who stay, and let go of the ones who can’t. Three years changes everything.