Slow Mornings, Peaceful Nights

Slow mornings and peaceful nights are really my biggest life goals right now. That’s not to say that I don’t have other goals, but I really feel like if I can achieve these two things, everything else will fall into place.

My dog, Millie (a small black lab mix), pretty much demands a walk in the morning. I have learned that she doesn’t really care how far we walk or how fast we go, just as long as we GO! She’s my “little life coach” and definitely my best friend. She checks on me when I am sick, comforts me when I am sad, amazes me with how empathic she can be, and above all, she loves me unconditionally.

After we walk, I get ready for my day. It’s easy for me to rush and get caught up in all the demands of the day. I have to consistently tell myself to breathe and stay present in the moment. Anxiety likes to creep in and tell me to rush. When I rush, that’s when mistakes happen.

I drive a lot for my job. It’s not uncommon for me to travel an hour or two between seeing patients. That’s a lot of time for me to get lost in my thoughts. Some days, I win and think about all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. Some days, I am stuck in a loop of revisiting the past or worrying about the future. Most days, it’s a combination of all three. One thing I know for sure is that my thoughts are constant, and I need to choose carefully.

Peaceful nights are a little trickier. My Myers-Briggs personality test says I am an INFJ. I think people think being an introvert is about being quiet. For me, being an introvert just means I need time alone to recharge my social batteries. I can be very talkative around the right people! I wrote all that to say this. I don’t always like coming home to just my dog (even if she IS my best friend!). I like spending time with people, but adult friendships are hard, and most of my friends have kids and other responsibilities.

I have a lot of extra time on my hands now, since I decided to step away from my church. I used to participate in church activities three to four times a week, so feeling the emptiness of that decision is quite real, even if it was the right choice for me. The lack of constant motion and interaction has been a huge adjustment for me, and if I am being transparent, I got really down on myself because my social life completely changed. I joined a Pilates Club, but it doesn’t open for another month or two.

Have you ever craved growth, but didn’t want to do the work to achieve it? I have! Growth is really hard, and I think a lot of people just prefer to stay stagnant. I asked God to help me not be a sponge, to not absorb everyone else’s feelings, and to finally become the person He created me to be.

People like to tell me what to do: stop people-pleasing, utilize boundaries, find another church, etc. Everyone has an opinion; the beauty is that I am learning (very slowly) how to identify and stay true to my own convictions, because somewhere along the way, I lost that.

I’m still working on learning how to enjoy my nights with less socialization, which has been quite a journey for me. As I navigate through this phase, I’ve begun to realize that maybe I truly need that time to rest.

Perhaps I need to give myself some grace to just “veg out,” eat some healthy food, and watch a romantic comedy, indulging in the simple pleasures of life…like writing again!