Why?

I am having a hard time processing my recent health events. I am not interested in sharing all the details, but I will share a few. I have been having female issues for over a month, even after having an ablation and an IUD placed. Then, all of a sudden, I started having abdominal pain. I couldn’t get into my primary care, so they sent me to prompt care, and prompt care sent me to the Emergency Department.

At the ED, they gave me fentanyl and morphine for pain. I was given an ultrasound and a CT scan. Nothing was found. I was given a referral to an OB/GYN and told to follow up with my primary care physician.

Luckily, the clinic I went to was able to get me seen right away. A laparoscopy was done within two days. The good news is that none of my organs needed removal. The bad news is that I have to recover from the laparoscopy. After the laparoscopy, I had back X-rays done and was given a referral to Physical Therapy. If that doesn’t work, I guess an MRI is the next step.

Meanwhile, I feel horrible. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I have exhausted my friends and family. I feel like no one is taking my pain seriously…and maybe this level of pain is my “new normal.” Why do we have different levels of empathy for different health scenarios? For instance, if I had to have my ovary or fallopian tube removed, why would that be more acceptable than having pain so badly in my back that it radiated to my abdomen?

Also, why do I feel like the world’s biggest loser? I didn’t make up the pain. I did exactly what the doctors told me to do. I know that there are people who have it way worse than me. But I am missing work, yet again…and maybe that is what kills me the most. It took me a really long time to find my niche, and I feel like all this is just jeopardizing my future…and if I don’t have a future, then what’s the point?

I know this sounds pitiful, and eventually I will “buck up.” I will do the physical therapy and whatever else they want. But right now I just need a moment to cry, to feel bad, to be angry. My body hurts from the laparoscopy and from the original source of pain. I’m tired of beating myself up about this.

I am thankful to my parents for helping me through this challenging period in my life. Their unwavering support and guidance have been invaluable, reminding me that even at age 44, I still need them in various ways, like their words of encouragement and their willingness to lend a helping hand.

I am also immensely grateful to my friend Alison, who has been a constant source of joy and laughter during all of this; her ability to make me smile and see the brighter side of life truly means the world to me. Additionally, I want to express my appreciation for my “sissy” Rachelle, who checks in when she can, but also provides a sense of comfort and connection.

I have experienced mental pain throughout my life, but physical pain is new and difficult for me to handle. I dislike it as it exacerbates my mental suffering, and I view my physical pain as a weakness or failure. I think it’s time to take some pain meds and fall asleep because my mind is just looping on what a failure I am. Why can’t I be superhuman?